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Setting up a "Skype station" for elderly relative overseas
I read that it’s possible to set up Skype so it automatically answers incoming calls, but I am less sure about the 4G calling plan working well and seamlessly.
(Before you ask, the Wi-Fi in her care home is notoriously bad, and the staffers would be too busy or unwilling to help her set it up.)
It really needs to work "out of the box." Any suggestions appreciated!
My soul mate wants nothing to do with me. (Long Story)
I was born April 7th, 1986 to a 15 year old mother, and 19 year old father... my grandmother took custody of me almost immediately. This has been a source of great contention between my family.. I'll be honest with you.. my mother... was a little off, personally I think she was on the spectrum somewhere, high functioning, but it was still very obvious once you spent time with her. As an example.. if she took me shopping for clothing, she didn't by me 1 shirt, or 1 pair of shorts, or pants.. she bought me 7 pairs in every color of the rainbow. Another example might be, if she asked me if I wanted an oreo, she wouldn't give me one, or two, she would give me 3 boxes. She was also very naïve as a person.. always getting taken advantage of, and falling for scams. Anyway, my mothers story was, that my grandmother took me from her because she always wanted a boy and never got one.. (My grandmother had 3 girls). My grandmother always told me it was because my mother was into drugs, and couldn't take care of me, being 15 and all. They both tried to get me to pick sides, and pick favorites... and I hated how they fought. When I was older I told them both at separate times, that I was not going to pick sides.. and I don't want to talk about it when I am with either of them. Just recently my grandmother admitted to me that she took me because she walked in on my mother sucking my penis when I was a baby. My grandmother is older now.. and she has had a lot of heart break in her life.. so I'm not sure if I should believe that.. on the one hand.. I could see it happening.. on the other hand.. my mother never tried later on in life.. at least not to my recollection. My father abandoned me almost instantly as well, but we will get to that later.
When I was 4 or 5, I contracted spinal meningitis... which at the time was very dangerous and very deadly. Basically, I had an infection in the fluid of my brain, and spine, it caused my brain to swell inside my skull that had a 98% chance of killing me, or leaving me deaf, dumb, blind, or with some other mental disability. I was in a coma for I don't even know how long, and much of my memory of before I went in the coma is rocky at best.. but I do remember when I went into the coma, I was at one of my aunts houses on my fathers side, her kids, my cousins, were at school, and it was pretty much just me and her, I started not feeling well, feverish, weak, headache.. but I was 4 or 5.. and I'm sure she thought I was just complaining.. she told me to toughen up and go outside and play, so I did, I went outside and swang on the swingset, I dunno how long, but I started to feel a great deal of pain in my head, so I started running back inside.. I clambered through the door and screamed,"My head is exploding!!" And I passed out at my aunts feet... the next thing I remember was looking down at my arm in a hospital as some jerk flicked an IV what was stuck in my arm.. you know that achie burny feeling? Yea. That, so I said.. "Ooouuuccchhhh..." And the guy looks down at me and says, "Oh my god, you are awake! Can you tell me your name!?" And I was really freaked the fuck out, so I yelled,"I want my grandmaaaa!" And started balling away. I don't remember much after that to be honest. I remember my aunt and her kids coming to visit me in the hospital.. they had brought me some toys to play with.. I remember a fire truck.. I'm not sure if you guys will remember.. but it was huge.. and had a working ladder that you could extend and swivel around.. that thing was awesome.
When I was 5 or 6, I was playing outside the front of my grandmothers house, I had been hitting a bush with a thick plastic baseball bat... heh, little boys are weird sometimes, when my mom pulled up, she had a yellow T top firebird.. man that thing was cool, it even had the pinstripe firebird scrawled into the hood. Anyway, she asked me if I wanted to come with her, and I said yea! So I went with her, I was 5 or 6, and I didn't know any better, and she was my mother. That was the day my mother kidnapped me... I don't know how long I lived with her.. but I do remember being hungry alot.. I remember having to fend for myself.. I remember having to scavenge for food from trashcans.. while she slept.. passed out on drugs.. I remember her having a lot of sex.. with a lot of guys.. in front of me... and I remember the police raid that saved me.. my sister and I, who was just a baby.. hid in the closet.. and the door opened, and blinding light flashed in my face.. and then I remember being carried by an officer.. and I remember seeing my mother in cuffs being put in the back of a squad car. I did not cry.. I just clung to the officer.. the next thing I remember is being at some kind of care facility.. there was some pretty sweet toys there, and I remember seeing my grandmother.. and there was a social worker that I talked to.. sort of.. I mostly just played with the toys.
I went back to living with my grandmother, she had owned a bar and grill in Minnesota called The Spring Inn. That is where she met my grandfather, he had native blood, and when I woke up from my coma had named me Bade Cheveyo.. which I guess means "Spirit Warrior" or "Warrior of Warriors" in his native language, not my legal name, but I do prefer to go by it. My grandparents were good people, but they were very old school.. they both grew up in the 40s.. and life was rather difficult for me.. they were racist.. they were bigoted.. and they were hypocritical.. they would tell me not to use violence as the answer.. but any time I ever did anything.. they would beat the crap out of me. Life was confusing.. and hard. I spent most of my time outside.. pretending I could talk to animals.. or being animals.. my favorite was pretending to be Todd the fox, from Fox and the Hound.
Anyway... we'll skip ahead to the next really significant thing I can remember.. I was 6 or 7.. maybe not even that.. but my grandfather died on my fathers side, and I went to his funeral.. that was the first time I met my father... this was a super significant event for me.. because I didn't have a dad.. and all I ever wanted to do was have one.. and get to do the things other kids got to do with their dads... I was so jealous of my cousins.. well.. I met him.. and he was just the coolest person.. we played catch with a football, he was kind of a football stud in highschool, as were most of my family. Well, my father promised to come pick me up that weekend, and we would go do father son things. That friday.. I waited.. and I waited.. and I waited.. with baited breath really.. I had all the hope in the world.. I fell asleep that night telling myself he could still show up.. but the next morning.. he wasn't there.. and he never showed up.. and I remember opening my eyes.. in my bed.. and I remember thinking.. "I will never do that to my son... I'll be the dad I never had for him." Can you imagine? Any little 6 or 7 year old boy thinking that? I definitely cant.
Overall, I had a pretty good childhood tho.. especially when I wasn't with my mother.. or my grandparents.. honestly.. I really believe my cousins and my fathers side of the family saved me.. they gave me very good experiences.. and don't get me wrong.. my grandparents did the best they could.. and I will forever be eternally grateful for what they did.. but.. it wasn't good enough. I remember 1 time, I was at my aunts house.. she had 3 kids, a girl my age.. and a boy slightly younger, and a younger girl.. she was probably 3 or 4 years younger than me.. well.. she was the baby of the family.. and utterly spoiled.. any time she fell or got any kind of bump.. it was always running off to mom or dad balling.. and I didn't like it.. so I teased her.. ALOT.. "Go cry to mommy! WAAAHHHH!" You might think I was a jerk for it.. but.. I wasn't doing it to be a jerk.. I was doing it because I wanted her to be a little more like me.. tough.. independent.. not relying on the parental units for EVERYTHING.. later on that summer.. she fell over on her bike.. and skinned her knee... and I was ready to pounce on her like I always did.. but she grimaced and dusted herself off, and picked herself up, and off she went.. I beamed.. I was so proud and impressed. At 7 years old. I hope I affected her in a positive way. And I think I did.
Later on.. I was maybe 7 or 8, maybe 9... my grandfather brought in an older boy into the house.. he was 19 at the time.. his brothers kid.. his name was Jordan... Jordan was a wild teen.. flunking out of school.. and my grandfather was kind of a hard ass, so that's why he was brought in, my grandfather was trying to whip him into shape. Well.. you remember how I always wanted that father figure? Well... Jordan started sexually abusing me... and worse.. I wanted it... or I thought I did.. not because of the content.. but I wanted to make him happy.. I wanted to make him happy so we would go out and do fun stuff.. like playing catch.. all that little boy shit I never got to do. That really messed me up.. because shortly there after.. one of my cousins on my dads side of the family started doing it too.. both male.. and at that point.. I thought it was normal. It wasn't. And as a fledgling teen, I struggled a great deal with my sexuality because of it. (I'm straight btw. I just like butt stuff! LOL! XD Sorry, I had to have a moment of humor going on.)
When I was about 10, we moved to Las Vegas.. that was probably the best thing that happen for me honestly.. getting away.. but at the same time.. it was probably the worst thing that happened to my grandmothers side of the family... we had sort of been the glue that held that family together.. every single one of them are alcoholics.. and the family sort of imploded after we left.. we moved because my grandfather had gotten pneumonia 6 times in 1 year, and the doctors basically said, go to a warmer climate, or put him in a box next year. So we left. My grandmother was kind of a bingo-holic, and they got merried in Vegas, so thats where we went. (Also a huge source of neglect on my grandparents part.)
Nothing terribly eventful happened in Vegas till I was 16, but.. one thing when I was 12ish.. and one thing when I was 14. When I was 12 we got a computer, with the internet and AOL. That's when I found the Furry Fandom... yes, I am Furry.. don't hate, its not nearly as bad as you would be led to believe, and there is actually a REALLY good documentary about it that you can look up on youtube. At any rate, I started exploring the internet.. and I stumbled upon some furry pictures.. and I was like.. ohhh, that's cool.. then I found a webforum that was dedicated to Furry RP.. If I remember right, it was called Yiffy.net. Yes, Yiff is a term used for sex in the furry fandom, so naturally, there was a lot of ERP there too, but its no big deal really. I knew I was a furry then on... I think I had always known.. I just knew it was an actual thing by finding that site, and meeting and interacting with people there.
When I was 14 I was at my grandparents flower shop, and my grandmother had an old TV that had Murry.. or some other day time TV on.. and they had a bunch of families on TV talking about and confronting their child sexual abusers... and I remember getting sooo angry at them... not because they were getting the attention I wanted.. quite the opposite really.. I was boiling.. simmering mad, because they all seemed so fake.. their stories didn't make sense.. which made it feel like they were making a mockery of what I went through.. they also all seemed to be addicted to that victim mentality.. all woooeees me.. this happened to meeee pitty meee! And I hated that attitude.. I made a promise to myself then.. that I would NEVER be a victim.. I would never let what happened to me color or influence my actions or how I feel. You might think.. oh.. how powerful.. and it is.. I felt powerful by making that decision.. but.. here is the catch.. My 14 year old brain never knew how to cope with what had happened.. or how to work through it.. so I just pretended it never happened.. because if it didn't happen.. it couldn't affect me.. but it did.. and it has.. and until recently.. I've never realized how much of an effect all these things has had on my actions... but I do now.. and am finally healing.
When I was 15.. I met a girl.. Lets call her.. RIE. I had a crush and fell for her pretty quickly.. she had a boyfriend tho.. and I had rules.. never go for a taken girl.. but I thought.. if I couldn't be with her.. I wanted to be her best friend... so I found out she hung out by the band room after school every day.. so.. I stopped taking the bus home, and hung out with her and her friends, that later became my friends too. For the rest of the year.. and I walked the 4 or 5 miles home.. almost every day.. which was fine by me, because I always knew I was going to join the Military and it was like pre-training. Well, I always went to Minnesota for the summers to see family and hang out.. my favorite times honestly.. I got to do the things I always wanted to do.. hang out with my cousins, go fishing, go camping.. hunting.. all that stuff.. then I would go back home, 2 or 3 weeks before school started, and hang out with my friends the rest of the summer till school started. My grandmother had gotten me a land line, because I was using the phone a lot with the internet and all.. and had mentioned that my phone had been ringing off the hook all summer.. and as soon as I got back.. my phone rang.. Guess who it was? Yup! RIE! She had a sort of high pitched voice that was both charming and enthusiastic at the same time. You couldn't help but smile. She wanted me to come over the next morning.. and I was like.. Errrmmmm.. I dunnoooo I kinda had plans to go hang out with the boooyyysss.. And she's like.. "My paarents aren't hoooommmeeee." And I was like,"Be there at 8 am!" XD Ahaha. You know the meme? Yea, was definitely me. The next day, I set my alarm, got up, and road my BMX bike over to her house. I was nervous.. and kind of a geek.. so I knocked on her door and hid around the corner.. and she came and answered.. and no one was there.. so she went back in.. so I giggled, and went around the corner to knock again.. to go hide again.. but she was clever. This time she closed the door and stayed outside.. so I giggled and came around the corner to almost run right into her.. she just grinned and watched as I stumbled.. over my feet, and words.. but I tried to play it cool.. "Oh! Hi!.. so I just got here.. but I saw some kids running around ding dong ditching people.. don't worry.. I chased them off." It was kinda cute to be honest.. now that I think of it.. we hung out.. outside.. and talked.. about stuff.. life.. random shit.. I tried to tell her a little bit about RP without going into too much detail about the furry stuff.. because even back then.. it was taboo and sort of frowned upon.. being furry even now is kind of like being gay in the 50s.. which is kind of sad. Anyway, no.. we didn't have sex.. but we did hang out together almost every day for the rest of the summer... you see, yea.. I HAD, had a big crush on her the following year.. but it was breaking my heart.. so I built up these walls around my heart to kind of.. make me less sad about being around her.. to protect myself.. to me, she was like my best friend / sister.. I still had those feelings for her.. but they were buried pretty deep.
Anyway.. to make a long story short.. she broke up with her boyfriend over the summer.. and then.. she ambushed me with all of her friends during a practice for the talent show at school.. they were doing a dance routine.. she asked if I would be her boyfriend.. and I froze.. and dropped her hand.. and was kinda like.. uuuhhhh... I'll think about... I spent the next 2 or 3 days tearing those walls around my heart down.. because I so wanted to be with her.. and she hid from me.. for 2 or 3 days after.. so about a week we hadn't seen each other.. I found her after school.. hiding in one of the band practice rooms.. I tried to explain to her everything.. that I had a crush on her since the first moment I saw her.. and that I had built up these walls because she was with some other guy.. and all that.. she understood.. but at the same time I don't think she understood.. because I thought we were together at that point.. but later we were having a conversation about sex and stuff in our big group.. and we were talking about the clitoris, when someone asked if she had experienced it done right.. and she's like.. "you kinda need a boyfriend for that..." As I was sitting super close next to her with my arm over her shoulders.. and I'm like... "uuhh.. what am I?" And then everyone was like... erm.. exit riiiight. Ahaha. Its really cool to have friends that are so in tune with social ques.. so we talked it out.. and I'm like.. fine.. lets make it official.. you tell me one of your biggest fantasies / secrets.. and I'll tell you one of mine.. and then we will be together.. so we did.. and it was awesome.. for a highschool puppy love kind of relationship. Well, later on.. she told me she was going back to texas to finish high school where she started... and I was like.. okay.. sure.. because we both knew each other enough to know that long distance wasn't going to work.. but.. we promised each other that later in life.. we would find each other and give it another go.. a real go. Kinda romantic I think.. well.. she left.. and not 2 or 3 days after she left... it caught up to me.. she was gone.. and I was in love with her.. I had been the whole time.. and my entire world was crushed..
So at the age of 16 almost 17.. I told my grandparents I had to go.. I had to leave.. that I was moving back to Minnesota.. and thats what I did.. I had met my dad again for the SECOND time in my life.. and he seemed pretty cool.. so I bounced around to different family members.. until I moved in with him, and 2 of my aunts.. you see.. the strange thing about my dad is.. he would come home after happy hour.. and we would be the best of friends.. we would cook a little.. and spend time together.. before he passed out.. but when he was sober.. he ignored me.. he treated me like a potted plant.. or a lamp.. it was a really weird thing..
I failed my senior year of highschool that year.. partly not my fault.. mostly the system really.. there was no way for me to graduate because the systems weren't compatible.. and I kinda said fuck it, and just dicked off all year.
Then I moved in with my mother.. in a trailer.. that she didn't take very good care of.. with my sister.. who was, and still is, a horrible person... I got a job working at a steel manufacturing plant, making about 25 dollars an hour.. and I saved a SHIT TON of money.. well.. my sister kinda fucked that up.. you see, my sister had been stealing from my mother, doing drugs, going out having sex, and trading sex for drugs and booze.. then she ran away.. and I was like good.. go follow through with your decision.. and my mother basically told me where I stand.. and to get the fuck out. So I left.. she was at work.. and I never saw her again. She is gone now.. and I hate that I never got to go through some of these things and try to fix our relationship.. or at least tell her that I love her.. RIP my mom. (She died last year.)
Anyway, I joined the Marine Corps.. RIE and I had kept in touch on and off the whole time.. through email and phone.. but rarely.. like once a month if that. I was about to go to bootcamp when she called me.. how she found out where I was, or got the number I will never understand. But.. it was like we never spent a moment apart.. she had just gotten out of bootcamp and was going to her A school at Cherry Point I believe. And I was set to go to bootcamp in the next couple of weeks. And it kind of dawned on each other at the same moment.. "What if we get stationed at the same place?" "OMG! We could get that second chance!" The shit was hype! I'm not going to lie.. I'm not the biggest guy.. I'm like 5'8, like 120-130. (I usually hover around 130-140 now a days.) And physically.. bootcamp was hard AF.. there were definitely moments I wanted to quit.. and my mind was like.. yea buddy.. we are done.. and my body was like.. yea, what he said! But my heart was like.. "STFU YOU CUNTS! WE GOTTA DO THIS SHIT!" Because if I quit.. I'd never get that second shot.. so I didn't.. I powered through it.. and I became a US Marine.
I was on leave after bootcamp. I went back to Vegas. The first thing I did was get a new cell phone.. I shit you not, not a day later, guess who calls me.. yup! RIE. How she got my number.. weird huh? She had graduated her A school.. and was at stationed at Camp Pendleton.. I was going to Camp Pendleton to go to the School of Infantry, and ITB (Infantry Training Battalion). And the whole time we talked it was, I can't wait to see you, I love you so much, getting a second chance is going to be so awesome... well this guy kept coming over at the same time every night.. and I'm not going to lie.. I am the jealous type.. (Not so much anymore.. but I was.. insecurity is a hell of a thing..) but.. no one likes that guy.. and I wanted her to feel like I trusted her.. so I'm like.. alllriiight then. Well, a few days later.. I call.. and he answers her phone for her.. and I'm like.. Oh.. is RIE there? And he's like yea, hold on.. So I'm livid at this point.. I'm throwing knife hands in the air, and jumping around like a drill instructor.. and I yell, "WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT!?" And in the background I hear.. "Her fucking husband, that's who!" And.. I feel everything that I am drop out the pit of my stomach.. "I didn't know how to tell you,.. blah blah.. this that.. " I told her that I never wanted to talk to her again.. to leave me the fuck alone.. all that. And I carried on.. went to SOI.. well.. about half way through SOI, we had just gotten out of being in the field for a week.. everyone was tired.. and fucked up.. it was going to be the first liberty call we had in like a month or something.. (Liberty is like.. getting time off, we had the weekend off.) I had just gotten done taking a shower, had some nice fresh, brand new sweats on.. man, I love the feel of nice clean sweats.. when over the intercom I hear.. "Lance Corporal Cheveyo! Report to the Duty Hut!" Now, to this day, Ive never heard another intercom over a base go off for any reason.. so I'm sitting here like.. FUUUUUUCCCKKKK!!!!! What did I dooooooo!? I go report in.. my gunny is sitting there just shooting lasers out of his eyeballs at me.. definitely if looks could kill, I'd have been smitted.. smotten? On the spot. All he does is point to his left.. my right.. so I turn to look.. and guess who is there.. standing in my duty hut.. YUP! RIE.... with her Husband, standing right behind her... so I say.. "Oh... its you...." All my body language and tone displaying every single fuck off vibe I've ever mustered.. out of the corner of my eye I could see my gunny physically relax.. because I'm sure he was like.. this kid is going to cause me ALL KINDS OF PAPERWORK! Rofl. So she sorta skips up closer to me.. and in that charming way of hers say,"Oh, yea, Hi, sooo, I was wondering if... I know you have liberty tomorrow and this weekend.. but, sooo I was wondering if you wanted to go see a movie.. with me... and my husband..." And my first lightning fast thought is.. "YOU ARE FUCKING HIGH AS FUCK! LIKE.. let me get some of that shit.. because god damn.. you are fucking mental right now... " My very second lightning fast thought was... she has a car.. my very 3rd lightning fast thought was... I wonder how many of the bros we can fit.. in her car. So I said, yea.. sure.. be here at 8 am sharp. She showed up the next morning.. without her husband.. and we fit as many of the bros in her car as we could, and dropped them off in Ocean Side.. then we go on to spend the rest of the day together.. alone.. we saw Hood Winked.. pretty good movie.. definitely a movie with furry influences, so naturally I like it. She goes on to tell me how unhappy she is in her marriage.. how miserable she is.. how she is in the process of getting a divorce.. but her command wont let her because she has to go through marriage counseling first.. and I start to feel myself forgive her... and I start to get hope.. so I said.. alright.. let me know when the paperwork is final.. but.. we still hung out almost every chance we got..
Then I deployed... I'm going to skip deployment.. but.. a couple of weeks before we got back stateside.. I gave her a call.. because we had confirmed dates.. and I wanted her to be there on the grinder.. (Basically the Parade Deck.. where a lot of the formations and social functions of the unit are held)... because I envisioned getting off the bus.. throwing me seabag to the side, slow motion running towards each other... a twirling embrace.. and the most magical kiss.. and she says.. "Oh.. about that.. I have to tell you something.. but promise not to be mad..." I can't do that.. I don't make promises I can't keep... "I'm married again."..... Pretty fucked up.. not only did I get fooled once.. but twice.. by the girl I loved.. and had been waiting for for almost 6 years.. and not only that.. but she chose someone else... twice.. really makes a guy feel wanted and love.. ya know? Needless to say.. for a long time I've had big time self esteem and self worth issues.. up until recently..
I met a new girl.. I'm going to call her "She who shall not be named" because well.. she hurt me almost as badly.. basically.. I had been hiding my furriness to her.. and when it came time to tell her.. she turned her back on me.. we broke up around 2014.. that wasn't it big deal.. sure it hurt.. but I think I kinda knew we weren't right for each other.. now.. this is were the relationship advice I need comes from..
I met... lets call her Kitten, I met Kitten in 2016 on a furry dating site.. and it was just kind of a fluke.. like the stars aligned at just the right time.. we started chatting.. then we met.. and I was smitten.. super infatuated.. interested.. shes everything I've ever dreamed of and more.. but.. she had to go to Australia for a little while for a cross student exchange program.. so I try to play it cool.. and I'm like.. lets not make anything official.. you could meet a crocodile dun dee out there.. let me tell you, that Australian accent is to die for.. but we chat every day.. text.. skype.. we even had a couple of skype dates.. right around sept 2017 she had to come back to the states for some court stuff.. family drama.. type shit.. its way more serious than that.. but I don't want to give away too much detail about it.. we met up.. I picked her up from the airport.. and we drove down to Oceanside.. and hung out there for the weekend.. it was amazing.. absolutely the best time in my entire life.. we walked the boardwalks.. ate food together.. went to a movie.. although the movie was kinda shit to be honest.. was probably the worst movie honestly.. but I was still with her.. and we were together.. Well.. I was supposed to pick her up to take her back to the airport.. but my dog.. (I had 2 german shephards.. my furbabies..) and she had to be taken to the vet.. life threatening type thing.. and I lost my phone.. and couldn't contact her.. so her aunt brought her to the airport.. it was really fucked up on my part.. but she understood.. and I was really sorry about it... truly.. anyway.. we continue doing the video dates.. and chatting and texting.. well.. I had been working as a freelance private investigator.. with some executive protection stuff thrown in there here and there.. I was making pretty good money.. enough to afford a 2 bedroom by myself here in California. When Kitten tells me that she feels uncomfortable with the work I do.. because it puts me in harms way sometimes... so I said.. its kinda seasonal anyway.. and got a job working regular security.. but making half what I was making.. so I started looking for a roommate.
And here lies my mistake... I took "She who shall not be named" in as my roommate.. because it had been a couple of years since we had been involved.. and she seemed cool with it.. and we knew each other pretty well.. Kitten and I had a conversation about living with an X and she said she never could do that.. and that scared the living crap out of me.. so I didn't tell her.. well.. I told her I had a roommate.. but I didn't tell her that my roommate and I had been romantically involved at one point.. I didn't tell her because I didn't want her to worry or feel insecure.. and I didn't want it to put stress on our relationship.. I was trying to avoid an issue.. because to me.. it wasn't an issue.. but I would find out later it became an issue.. it became a mega issue for me too. One of the house rules that my roomie and I discussed was, I don't bring random girls home, so I'm like, Fine, you don't bring random guys home... and we are both like, fine fine fine.. you know the fine war?
Anyway, during that time.. my roommate started to abuse me.. emotionally.. mentally.. physically.. and I endured it.. because I needed her help financially.. and.. my trauma told me I deserved it... I had no support structure.. I had cut my entire family out of my life because I wanted nothing to do with them for what happened to me as a child... I was mad at them for not protecting me.. or finding out.. or catching on... I had no friends... all I had was Kitten.. and I couldn't tell her.. because then I would have to come clean about my roomie... I felt trapped.. and it made me miserable.. I hated my job... I hated my life at home... the only time I could ever be myself was when I was with kitten... which I tried to see her as often as I could.. but I worked monday through friday.. night shift.. so most of the time it was just on the weekends.. and I was a zombie because of it.. because the weekends were usually my catch up days...
Well.. Kitten and I fought.. about not getting to see each other enough.. and she said my roommate was controlling me.. and I was sort of in denial at that point.. so I fought with her... and she offered help.. she offered to get me a job.. she offered to help me look for a place.. but I always have to do it all on my own.. because I don't want to be a burden to anyone.. and so many other things..
Well, kitten broke up with me early in July... and I think my roommate told her a bunch of lies about us being together the whole time... because that was her soul goal ever since her and I broke up.. "If I can't have him.. no one else can" type of thing.. I've done everything I could to try and convince her to see me.. not to get back together.. but just to talk.. let me tell her the truth.. let me tell her my side of the story.. but she refuses.. a couple of days ago I went to the restraining order hearing she filed on me... For 2, maybe 3 purposes... 1. I did not go to defend myself or my actions.. which were deemed harassing, but simply to build context as to why I felt so strongly. 2. I wanted to see her with my own 2 eyes again.. even if it was the last time... and 3. I wanted to try to get her to realize that a lot of my actions in our relationship.. and lack of actions were in part, due to my unrealized and unhealed trauma.. (Which I have been working on ever since.. and omg.. is it a terrible yet amazingly freeing experience.) and in part due to my roomie utterly abusing the shit out of me... and that HER trauma was doing the same exact thing... she is letting her trauma control her actions.. her fear..
Ultimately I didn't get to tell my story... the judge didn't want any part of it.. they are pretty harsh on guys in court.. that's male privileges' for you.. I didn't get to tell her how her trauma is commanding her... and I didn't look at her... because I didn't want to look at her unless she wanted me to look at her... I denied myself even looking at her.. because I was more worried about her feelings, and how she felt... the judge ordered an extension on the temporary restraining order... for another 6 months... I know I am not going to contact her... or anyone she knows.. because I don't want to get a permanent restraining order slapped on me... so I know what I'm not going to do...
But what should I do? I love her with every part of my being.. she is the most beautiful person I have ever met, or seen.. we just fit together... its kind of magical...
I do know that I am going to continue working on myself, since her and I have broken up.. I've moved out of the toxic and poisonous living arrangement.. I've gone back to school and am absolutely killing it.. I got a 97% in my first class, and I should get a 97% in my second class.. which feels SO GOOD.. considering I haven't gotten an A in a class since like 2nd grade.. I'm working through my issues and healing.. I've confronted one of my abusers... I'm working on getting my sister caught for things I think she might have had a hand in.. I'm doing all the things I've always wanted to do.. and it makes me happy... partly because its what I've wanted for so long... but also.. because its all stuff that WE.. kitten and I.. have always wanted.. for me.. for each other...
I need help figuring out how to win her back... because I am worth it.. I deserve to be with the woman I love.. and she deserves to be with the man she loves.. even if her trauma has convinced her he is something he is not... one thing is for sure.. I will hold her in my heart forever.. and I will wait until she is ready to heal.. and maybe.. some day.. she might find me again.. because I'm not so sure there is anything I CAN do.. until she is ready to heal... I hope its sooner rather than later..