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[Table] IAmA: I am Drew Carey, AMAA

Verified? (This bot cannot verify AMAs just yet)
Date: 2013-11-15
Link to submission (Has self-text)
Questions Answers
I used to stay up every night in high school watching Whose Line and laughing myself silly! Thanks for the AMA. Have to ask, what scene from Whose Line has been your favorite and why? Again I don't' like choosing a favorite anything because then I have to rank my experiences and I think it's silly to rank them. That said I really do love the Richard Simmons clip.But it's silly to rank favorite movies, favorite cars, because every day is a different day or a different moment and if you start living like that you start clinging to the past and holding onto it.People always ask me what my favorite this or that is and I never have an answer for them because once the moment is gone it's gone even if you take a picture. If you take a picture of a moment, your moment was taking the picture. People don't enjoy the moment trying to preserve it. Why don't you enjoy the concert or eat the meal or enjoy the concert rather than trying to capture it.I've had people on TPIR when they make it to the showcase they will ask if they can get a picture with me after the show and I say "we are on TV together, getting sixty pictures a second, just take a screenshot of your TV".
Hey Drew, one simple question...Why isn't the Drew Carey show on Netflix? It's all the music rights and all that stuff. They don't think they will make their money back by releasing the series on Netflix so they just don't.
How did it feel replacing someone as iconic as Bob Barker? How did you get the job in the first place? I did a pilot for a gameshow called the power of ten that was on CBS. I was kind of retired at the time I did the pilot, and this guy I had worked with before was doing the pilot, so I did it as a lark.And CBS saw the pilot, and that probably got on their radar and so they asked me to be the host on the Price is Right.
I thought it was a big deal to be replacing Bob!One of the biggest deals I've ever done in my life practically. I was well aware of how important the show was and how iconic it was to millions of people, and what Bob meant to everybody.I wanted to come in and just not get it cancelled.Everybody was afraid including the staff that the show was going to go away when Bob was gone, so I had to go in there.Exercise in letting go of fear.I couldn't go in there and say "don't screw this up", I was totally able to block out any judgement from anybody. Literally at that moment I did not care if anybody liked it or not.It was an exercise in freeing myself to concentrate on doing my job. It's not that I don't care what people think, but a friend of mine came up with a great saying "you have to care enough not to care".You have to not care what the audience is going to think of you, you have to not care if they will like you or agree with you, and by doing that you care about what the audience is experiencing because if they put any kind of fear in you it won't be as good and the audience won't have as good of a time.
The really great rock and roll performers act like idiots onstage. If you were to take that out of context, they are acting crazy. You have to be at a spot in your head where you are fearless and because of that you are giving them a better show.So I was in a good spot mentally when I started doing TPIR where I was not afraid of anything and I Just went out there and did it.
If I wasn't like that I don't think I could have done it.
Do you have any advice for keeping a pool table outside? Yes, buy an outdoor pool table.
What's your very best life advice? Learn how to set goals.
That includes designing your own success.You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal,it's yours.
People think automatically "oh I don't want to make money" or reach other people's goals. It's not what your relatives want you to do or what society wants you to do. All goal setting is is figuring out what you want to do with your life, so whether you want to be a CEO or the happiest hippy in the world, set goals. I was totally lost in my life until I figured out how to set goals.So from my perspective it's the most important thing you can do. There are tons of goal setting books out there and you can get good advice from any of them (I mentioned two of them earlier).
My big goal which I never do perfectly is to forgive everybody in advance. That is the state I want to be in that I am never in. To have so much love that no matter what people do to you it does not bother me for a second.It would bother me for months when people used to insult me or get in my way or whatever I thought was an attack or a slight. It would bother me for months, weeks, depending on what the thing is. I've whittled it down to moments, minutes, something really horrible maybe a week. I try to make it as short as I can (I'm not Jesus or Buddha) but it's a state of constant forgiveness and love.
Learn to set goals and try to strive for that state of perfection (I hate saying this because people can say Oh you got mad at this person but it's a state I want to achieve before I die, I have another fifty years to work on it). Once you start to think it's a good thing to do, with goals and having a mind state of being loving and forgiving,it will change how you interact with people and society. I wished I lived it as good as I preach it!
How many Drews would Drew Carey carry, if Drew Carey could carry Drews? Heeheeehee.
Hi Drew! I grew up watching your sitcom, Whose Line, and The Price is Right (both with you and Bob). Thanks for doing an AMA. It's the middle of a zombie apocalypse, and you can have one cast member each from your sitcom, Whose Line, and TPIR on your side. Which three people would you pick? From the sitcom, Mimi because she's the best fighter. I'd pick Wayne Brady from Whose Line because he's really good at paintball. And from TPIR Mike Richards the producer. We're good at planning things together.
What's your least favorite game on TPIR, and why is it That's Too Much? I don't have a least favorite game. Any game that people win, I like.
One of the best changes TPIR has made with you as host is the on-air chemistry between you, the announcer, and the models. Do you ever hang out with them outside of work? What do you miss most about working with Rich Fields? What do you like most about working with George Gray? I loved Rich Fields, he was a great guy. And we do hang out outside of work, we've traveled together, we've gone to dinner together, we've gone to parties together, we try to hang out as much as we can. I try to keep it like family. George is really funny during the audience tapings, but that never makes it to air.
We've seen you around in Cleveland before. Do celebrities prefer just a subtle head nod or a "hey drew! Rock on" type of thing? Either way. As long as it's positive. It's always positive with me, so whatever you're comfortable with.And anybody who doesn't like it should get out of show business. If people just want to compliment you or acknowledge you did something good, just take it and say thank you.It's like the easiest part of my day.
But it depends on the situation, just feel it out socially. Take it by situation to situation.
Could you shed some more light on your military service? Specifically, what compelled you to enlist and what was the worst moment during your time in the Marines? I was only in the reserves in the eighties. I don't like to make a big deal out of it, everybody makes a bigger deal out of it than I do.I joke that I kept the commies out of Ohio. We did a great job until the battle of Overland. I went to bootcamp and then went to do my weekend every month and then when I started doing standup I got out.
How heavy is the big wheel? It's heavier than you think. It's made out of plywood and you will notice that some people struggle to get it to go around all the way at least once.So it's not impossibly heavy but it's heavier than you think it is when you go to spin it around. It COULD be lighter.If I could remake the wheel I would remake it out of plastic but I think it's made out of particle board.
Dirty Jokes and Beer was incredibly fun to read. You are such a great storyteller and your honesty was wonderful. Thanks for taking over The Price is Right - you're a total class act on that show, Drew :) I hope you dig the job, because we love seeing you on there! And I LOVE doing TPIR. It's a great place to work,everybody is happy all the time,it's a great atmosphere to be in, you are surrounded by happiness all day. It's really insane how lucky I am.
What's your favorite beer? other then buzz beer of course. Well I don't drink anymore really.Once in a while a few times of year I might have a drink..And I just always drink Budweiser? Maybe that's why I don't drink beer anymore. If I was a bar right now and wanted a beer I'd just order a Budweiser because I don't know any better.
Big fan of yours ever since your first Showtime special. On Penn's Sunday School, I was amazed to hear about your passions for board games, mainly Monopoly. Are there any other board games you have an equal passion for? Also, what are you best tips to win at Monopoly? Love board games. RISK I love. Sitting right now in front of me I bought a bunch of games that I used to play in junior high and high school.
They are Avalon Hill games. One is called Tactics 2, I have a game called Rise and Decline of the Third Reich where you fight WW2, I have another game called 1776 with a bunch of cardboard counters, the rule books say "copyright 1934"
You move your little cardboard tokens around, it's like War Dungeons and Dragons. These board games were out when D and D were out, so I think people went one way or another way,and I went towards playing these games. I like all these all old Avalon Hill games but Monopoly and RISK are my favorites.
Here's the key to Monopoly winning: You are not trying to get the most money. You are trying to get everyone else to spend money.It's about making them lose money. Don't ever let anybody get the orange ones except for you.Don't ever fucking give away the orange ones, because once someone gets the orange ones, the game is over.You want to get the properties furthest away from go, so orange and red. People don't land on Boardwalk and Park place that often but they land on orange and red all the time.
There are books that can teach you the odds and frequency of things getting landed on, things like that, but in general you want the properties furthest away. Baby blues are good, yellows are not good. purple is okay you have to really watch the chance cards, those are the cards that really move you around the board. Railroads are great, they won't win the game for you, but they are handy. Same with utilities but I like the railroads better. They are good for taking money away from people. The idea is to bankrupt the other people and the baby blues are what chip away at everybody's wealth as you move around the board. The greens are the WORST property you can ever get in monopoly. Always get rid of the fucking greens. Because they are the worst. I will get rid of greens all day long. Somebody might get lucky and build up a green and wipe out someone if they land on it but it's pure luck.
You can tell I've thought a lot about Monopoly.
Who has been your favorite contestant on the price is right? Also your parents and I used to be neighbors ;) That's good about my mom being your neighbor. I'm not lying when I say that every single show there's a contestant that everybody falls in love with. Every.single.show.Where backstage we will all say "Oh that person is so great" so it's impossible to pick a favorite. We do three shows a week and there is always somebody the crew falls in love with.
Hi Drew! Thanks for doing this. One of my favorite little-known facts is that you publish sports photography under the pseudonym Brooks Parkenridge. How big a part of your life is that, and do you think it's something you would have liked to pursue as a full-time occupation? I loved it. It was a great part of my life. I don't know if I could do it full time because it does not pay that great. The pay would be great if I were broke but I got a lot of bills. Sports photographers get paid pretty well but not sitcom money. You can make more money doing sitcoms and standup comedy,but as a hobby it is really fun.
Hi! Is there a significance to the bracelet you wear on your left wrist, if you don't mind sharing? I wear a bunch of different bracelets and I change them all the time so not really. They are all decorative.
Whats your favourite dirty joke? Oh man I have so many favorites! There's one that doesn't work unless it's dirty and it's about a guy who hears a voice in his head and the voice tells him to quit his job and sell his house and take all the money to go to Vegas. So he does that and when he gets off the plane, the voice tells him to go to Caesar's palace. He follows the voice's instructions, goes to the roulette table, bets everything on Black 17, the wheel comes up on Red 16, and the voice says "FUCK!"
I've tried saying it where the voice says "darn it" and it's not as funny. Has to be a swear word because it's such a huge disappointment you need the swear word for the emphasis.
Do you usually watch the Seattle Sounders games? If you do, who's your favorite player? I don't have a favorite player, I root for the whole team. It would be bad for me to have a favorite player. It's such a team game, I like it when the team comes together, and I watch every game that I can even if it's on my phone in a comedy club.
Would you ever consider going on Norm MacDonalds 'talk show'? Did you guys keep in touch after he was on the Drew Carey show? You should totally go on his 'talk show'! Thanks for the AMA, keep being awesome Mr Carey! I like Norm a lot, so sure. Are you the booking agent for Norm MacDonald's talk show? My publicist will get in contact with you.
As the original U.S. run of Whose Line progressed, you seemed to get better and better at playing improv games with the other guys. Would you ever come back for an episode, not as host, but as the fourth chair? That would be the greatest episode ever. I don't know about Whose Line.I like the improv but I'm just so busy right now I don't see how it's going to happen.
Also, is this the year the Browns finally make the playoffs? I don't know if the Browns are going to make the playoffs. That's a tough one, because there are so many injuries.Who knows!
Hi Drew! As an improvisor myself, what is some advice for improv in general? And how did you get your start in comedy? The best advice for improv and all performing is to let go of every single fear in the world. Fear is the biggest killer for any improv comedy.Because people are afraid to look foolish they are afraid to do something wrong, to make a mistake or be judged by people watching them, so that hurts you in acting, comedy, improv… kills it. The biggest thing is not have any fear.Don't worry about a thing.It's hard to tell people and it's a hard thing to come to but the best improv performers have the least amount of fear, they are literally fearless.
Thanks so much for doing this AMA! I'm a huge fan of the show and I have grown up with it(literally-I'm only 16!) :) you rock my socks. I got started in standup? I got encouragement early on from a friend of mine who's a radio disc jockey, he would pay me to write jokes and so I went to the good ol' Cleveland public library and got a book on how to write jokes.
Hello, Mr. Carey. I was curious as to who your favorite up-and-coming comedians are? Some guys that I work with are really funny: Ryan Hamilton is super funny and super clean. Like totally G rated,his whole act, which you NEVER see anymore,EVER. To be that funny and that clean is amazing to watch. Brendan Walsh is really funny but he's not clean. I like the usual Kevin Hart, Louis C.K., Chris Rock,the usual suspects.
I'll never forget your "dirty jokes and beer" book. There's one that is not in the book, again I can't pick a favorite but…
Do you have a new all time favorite dick joke? My dick is so big, when I go to Disneyland, families agree to meet in front of it in case they get lost.
Drew, you look great. Has it been challenging to stay low carb? I mean you know - beer! Well it's hard on the road you know? Sometimes you get stuck on a plane or an airport where you just go "fuckit" and traveling can make it hard to do. I was just in Vermont in a really idyllic place,and I yelped a place for breakfast near where I was. The restaurant made their own maple syrup right on the premises. And I was like "Fuckit" and ordered pancakes and maple syrup. And the rest of the day I was off the rails on sugar.I had cookies on the plane, I had boston cream pie at the airport,and all I was doing was sitting around or driving or flying for twelve hours. That made it tough to be super strict because I was bored, bummed out I had had the pancakes why not add onto it. Sometimes I will get in a cycle where it gets me down for that day but I'm good the next day. Or I will be in cycle where I will gain ten pounds, lose ten pounds,gain ten pounds. I'm not perfect with it but I'm a lot better than I was. If I'm by myself and at home it's no trouble at all, but if I'm traveling that's when I have trouble staying lowcarb. Because there is no grocery store,no healthy restaurant so you're stuck eating whatever is around.
I try to eat as healthy as I can and live to fight another day. Don't ever say you're the wordt person in the world. Right now at my desk I'm surrounded by a bottle of water, an open bag of carrots and a couple Quest protein bars with one gram of sugar, seventeen grams of fiber and twenty one grams of protein, three grams of net carbs.
Hey Drew! Do you remember getting coffee late night at Kenny King's when you use to live in the Cleveland area? My relatives said my grandpa use to enjoy going up there and talk with the people sitting at the counter. Yes! Kenny King's was my hangout back in the day. I used to go there all the time but I think they are all out of business now.It was this awesome family-style restaurant in Cleveland, a diner-style small chain,and they had a license to sell Kentucky Fried Chicken. So there would be a KFC to-go thing attached on the side,but if you went inside the diner you could get coffee, pie,regular mashed potatoes, eggs,bacon, it was awesome.We wouldn't say "let's go get KFC, let's go get Kenny King's." I always thought KFC was Kenny King's but they just got a license to sell in their restaurants.It was fun while it lasted.
A few years ago you recommended a couple of books by Og Mandino on Twitter. What other books are your favorites/have impacted you? I like see you At the top by Zig Zigler. And think and grow rich, that's like the grandaddy of them all. Both the books are corny but have great information in them.
Do you miss doing sitcoms? Any faves of what's new on tv now? I don't miss doing sitcoms. I'm the kind of guy who just likes what he is doing when he is doing it. So I don't host TPIR and go home and say "gosh I wish I could have been on a sitcom today". I don't really watch sitcoms after doing them because doing them ruined them for me, I can see where the jokes are coming from and all I can think of is what rehearsal is like. I can't let myself relax and enjoy them.
I watch The Walking Dead, Mad Men, almost all the AMC shows. American Horror Story, GoT when it's on. And that's it.Once in a while I will watch Eastbound and Down if it's on.
How can I convince people that Cleveland is awesome and that I'm not crazy for planning to move back? I would love to move back to Cleveland so you don't need to convince me.If it wasn't for my job I don't think I would be living out in California.Although I have traveled a lot I can think of places I'd live besides Cleveland, but I really do miss Cleveland all the time.
But it's weird, I never thought I'd be in a situation where my geographic location has so much to do with my job. But for what I do, you have to live in LA.
Hey Mr. Carey, what's your favorite movie? Comedy, drama, what? Let's go with comedy since I'm a comedian.
Big Lebowski,the original Producers. Boogie Nights is a great movie. Borat is one of my favorite comedies, any Monty Python movie is a good movie (Meaning of Life), Team America…Ferris Bueller.
Loved the Price time-lapse. Are you considering doing more behind the scenes stuff in the upcoming future? Yes it would be great. The time-lapse thing though cost me a lot of money,I did it myself, it was not an official TPIR project so it came out of my own pocket. It turned out great though. TPIR is going to be featured in another really cool music video by the end of the year. Can't tell you who because I'm not allowed to but it will be great.
Hey Drew! A long time ago on the Drew Carey Show you met people from "The easy street band". Not Bruce Springsteens, but a smaller local band from Ohio. What do you remember about them? I ask because one of the guitarists was my father. Yes they were a really popular band in Cleveland and as far as I know they still play out, so of course I do! Tell your dad I say hi.
Drew always-stunningly-handsome-and-uproariously-funny Carey! It's 11pm. You're alone in the house and starvinating. You can have anything you want to eat. Anything in the world, even shit they don't make any more. No (negative) repercussions. What do you have? Pepperoni pizza, Oreos and ice cream.
Hey Drew! Thanks for doing an AMA! You are awesome! What's your favorite game on Price is Right? I don't have a favorite. I get asked that a lot. I like games where people win, so as I'm playing the game, if they win, then all of a sudden I love that game. They are all good games. The game doesn't matter to me, it's how people play it.
What joke that you made do you look back and say to yourself, "How did I ever come up with that?" That's like half my act. Hard to say! Way too many.
My sister is going to see Price is Right for her honeymoon!! Do you have any advice to help her get on the show or do well if she does? Yes somebody on Slate just published an article on how to beat a lot of the games that was pretty good, although everybody at TPIR saw it. I would read that. Also I tell people to look at the Sunday paper because it has car prices in it. Look at the TOTAL price of the car not at the payment price. Just look at the general price of the car so you know how much Toyotas and Hondas and Fords are if you're trying to get a car. And to get on the show you have to be super energetic, positive and happy. Genuinely. From the minute you show up, and then hope for the best. We can only use nine people per show and we always have way more people than that who show up for a taping. You do have to be super lively and positive and look like you would go bananas if you get picked. If you fake it or try too hard, they will pick somebody else instead of you.
What got you into performance arts? Do you ever partake in other art forms like painting or music? Yes I was just playing my accordion the other night (I can see it from where I'm sitting). I'm not good at it but I am teaching myself. I am learning to play guitar.A couple years ago I took a class called introduction to figure drawing where I learned how to draw and how to sketch. I was a stick figure drawer before I took the class so I'm convinced that anyone can learn how to draw. I don't draw enough,I get bummed out I don't get to bring my sketchbook places. But that's the thing about me,is that I would feel self-conscious about having people say "Oh there's Drew Carey what is he sketching?" My teacher in the class said for us to take our sketchbook out and do a bunch of drawings but good luck to me doing that. But it was really fun and I'd love to take other art lessons. Really enjoyed it. I took a photoshop class one time,I'm pretty good at photoshop and I do photography. I would love to do more sports photography. There's a lot of stuff I would liked to do if I had more time. But writing, drawing, playing music,I have aptitudes to do those things.
Drew! Cincinnati native here. Do people in Cleveland hate that Cincinnati is the ultimately cooler city? Obviously, this is like saying breast cancer is a cooler form of cancer than another, but then again this is an AMA. No people don't hate Cincinnati because it's a cooler city. They just hate Cincinnati.
Drew! Thanks for doing this! What are some of the things you like to do when you're not on television? I like to read. I've been playing SimCity lately and playing Minecraft sometimes. I watch documentaries and hang out with my friends.I like to do homebody things, maybe meet people for dinner.I like going to concerts and stuff but the idea of going out in a big crowd and raving it up does not appeal to me. If I'm in Vegas at a concert I will get a table just so I can enjoy the music in my own little bubble, but the idea of going out and doing something really crazy,I just don't like that. I used to like it.But I get so much attention from being on TV all day that attention is the last thing I want. So I look for low-key things to do. I will go to improv shows locally sometimes.
Hey Drew, thanks for doing the AMA! I was wondering if you could share any fun stories of your days with Delta Tau Delta to a fellow alum? Thanks again for taking the time to do this AMA! Well I was at Kent State University and fraternities weren't the most popular things back then because I started college in 75 and the Kent State shootings were only five years before. So anything with any connection to the establishment was not popular.All fraternities were really small, I think we only had nineteen guys in our chapter,we only had sixteen at one point and then jolted up to twenty-four at another point.There was one fraternity that had thirty people and we thought that they would let anybody in! For me it was just a lot of drinking.I was almost a functioning alcoholic when I was in college.
Hey, Drew! I was shopping in an Arizona grocery store last month where I saw someone who I'm 90% sure was you. Any chance it was? No, not in the month of October. I was not in Arizona. I have not been in Arizona in a while, certainly not in the last month. Sorry.
But it depends on the situation, just feel it out socially. Take it by situation to situation.
Pepperoni pizza, Oreos and ice cream. I also love the healthy stuff I eat though. These Quest protein bars are fucking great and I love the protein shakes I make.They are just almond milk and protein mix,sometimes I will throw a banana in there,those are really tasty to me.
Just wanted to shout out that my Girlfriend ran the Marine Half with you a few years ago. She said it was an amazing experience. Yes it was. I also did the Marine Corps Marathon. They are both great races especially if you are a beginning runner. The Marine Corps marathon is a great first marathon to do.Really well organized, everybody is really helpful and friendly. If nothing else, Marines are really good at organizing things. Beautiful scenery all around Washington DC, amazing. I would love to do it again. The next marathon I am going to do is the Boston Marathon in April.
Peter Sagal from Wait Wait Don't Tell me on NPR talked me into doing it with him. He is a big marathon runner.
Last updated: 2013-11-19 22:05 UTC
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The Lee Beesman, Apache Warrior Collection

Lee and the Great Train Ro-Berry
With Lee's life back on track after the Donald Trump-Pulp Fiction situation, he could return to his second half, Vladimir. Vlad was loyal he kept Lee close to his heart, protected him from savage bears that tracked Lee down on a regular. Once home Lee shouted GET OVER HERE!....I know, pretty queer right. He then gave his beloved partner a hearty kiss and a hand shake followed with bad taste Predator reference. While perusing his Cosmo magazine for sexual advise, Lee noticed a strange smudge on the corner, after further investigation the pages appeared to be sticking together. Between the smut filled pages was sticky, white splooge even further investigation revealed that beloved actor Chris Pratts body has been defaced, Vlad has found a new love interest. Lee was crushed. He was no longer loved. Pans were thrown, plates smashed and blood drawn. Vlad had been defeated, Lee had killed the one true God among men.
Lee ventured out to find his true self, he climbed the highest mountains he fought the strongest creature, he found, the one. Mike Myers in his Wayne's World get up appeared from the mist of hidden temple, crouching tiger. Wa-Mike mentored Lee in the age-old art of stand up comedy. His first challenge would prove difficult for he had to perform a better show than Carlos Mencia, Lee succeeded with bottom of the barrel results. Mike was impressed with Lee's skill and allowed entrance to the dojo. The next challenge was the stairs. Lee failed with the untimely death of exhaustion. Lee may be gone but he will forever be with us in soul – Lee Harvey Oswald moments before his fame. [Kool And The Gang - Jungle Boogie]
PSYCHE! Lee lifts off the ground like a supernatural being. Wayne cannot believe his eyes, he dropped to the ground shouting 'we're not worthy' as Garth appeared to do the same. It was the second coming, he had returned. Lee was back in action. With his new-found powers he sought out revenge. Chris Pratt was going down. Lee ventured to Hollywood to find his arch nemesis. He found used, soaked panties, Chris was here. After a quick sniff he tracked the scent to an abandoned warehouse where he found an unimaginable horror. The Breaking Bad full box set for £39.99 what a steal. Lee made his way to grab his new-found prize, reaching out to grab it Lee had been snared, Chris had been expecting him. Lee awoke on steel bed locked in with pink handcuffs. Chris appeared from the shadows clapping slowly like a Bond villain. Lee struggled to understand who would have tipped Chris of his arrival. What would Chris do to him, how severe would it be. Chris have Lee a peck on the cheek, wrenching in pain Lee broke free from his gimp chains clocking Chris over the head in the process. While searching his malformed corpse for bus fare, Lee discovered a note with the name Bruce, scrawled in crayon at the top. This could only be one person... Bruce Campbell.
Lee went to the set of evil dead where he knew Bruce Campbell would be meditating. He kicked down the door following the line 'groovy'. Bruce deflected Lee's fidget attempt to roundhouse kick him, grabbing his leg and throwing him to the ground, Bruce disarmed him. Now, propped up against the wall Lee screamed, shaking his head with all his rage. Bruce sang a lullaby to calm the raging bull, he then explained to Lee his motive for tipping Chris off he wanted to protect the beloved actor, he had failed in this. Bruce would let Lee free on one condition, if he could only learn to be as amazing as Lee. Lee swiftly kicked Bruce to the ground and tore his heart from his chest then proceeded to crush it over his head like a bag of his favourite Doritos. Lee had lost all hope at this point, what would he do with himself. Whilst preparing the noose Dave Grohl rose from the ground like a spectre in white robes. The almighty God of Rock has chosen Lee. Dave explained to Lee what his life truly meant and what his next course of action. A tear ran down Lee's face. He whispers 'do it'. Dave waved his hand over Lee's face causing it to burst, blood splattered over the walls, brain matter and hair smeared over Bruce's lifeless body. Dave faintly seen in the distance walking out the cabin with Lee's rigor mortis induced body in his arms. [cut to credits. My Hero by Foo Fighters plays]
For my true love Leesy Bee – Vlad, always yours (PutinOnTheRitz.jpg)
Lee Beesman This Time it's Longer
Lee's eyes shoot open. Heavily breathing he screams 'where am I'. Dave Grohl grabs Lee by the shoulder trying to calm him. Once cooled off Lee discovers his in heaven but all he sees around him are slaves not just rice and cotton ones, there are white people too. Dave is gravely disappointed for Lee to see heaven in such a state. Lee dusts off his hands and legs to prove his coolness in this new environment (he's hella cool though). Lee b-lines it straight to gods plantation to sort out this whole racist predicament. Lee kicks down the 15 foot door, killing the doorman instantly. Two henchmen run to Lee from both sides, Lee quickly dispatches them by slamming their heads together causing each to explode. On his way up the stairs he sees God running into his office, Lee pursues him. Slamming his head through the door with a good taste reference from The Shining. With his head still stuck in the door Lee spots God cowering in the corner. Lee smashes through to give God a right good beating, he grabs him and tosses him onto his desk. Gods hair falls off revealing his true identity, it's Bruce Fucking Campbell. Shocked at this discovery, Lee breaks down crying like a little ponce. Bruce tries to sneak out the room while Lee wails like a ghoul. Lee notices and grabs him for interrogation. A few punches to the ribs makes him talk. Bruce reveals that he was only testing Lee on their first meeting, he didn't expect Lee's sheer power and idiotic behaviour which had Bruce killed. Lee further polished his ego by killing the B-Movie God in one punch, straight to Bruce's chiseled God like chin. With Bruce gone Lee could free heaven from the racist stereotype, and return to Earth.
Once back on gods green earth (420 blaze it) Lee could once again return to normal, whatever that really was. Lee contemplates what he should do next, a sudden realisation come to him... He should go to a gypsy. The gypsy told Lee that his life is in shambles and that he was off the track of the true gods righteous path, Nicolas Cage Hand of God Cult. Lee gave a hearty laugh and smashed her head into her shitty crystal ball. Screaming in pain with glass in her eyes she gave Lee warning of what he had done and rambled gibberish which could only have been a curse, Lee dismissed it as old cooky lady talk. As the gypsy stumbled off the balcony to her death, Lee noticed the smashed crystal ball revealed there to be a magic 8-ball in the centre, Lee snagged it for his own.
Sitting on top of his DeLorean eating road kill raw, Lee pondered what to ask the 8-ball, solid gold filled Lee's head. 'What do, 8-ball?' He said. He shook the ball with all his might, the faint glimpse of writing appeared it read, visit the nazis, Lee complied. He got in his DeLorean and sped off, kicking up dirt like a Mad Max scene. Weeks had passed with no luck on the nazis, it was hopeless, most of the nazis went into hiding after the Donald Trump-Pulp Fiction situation. In that moment of utter loss of hope, trash was knocked over, a ruckus from the alleys, Lee went to investigate with his trusty acid filled water pistol. A faint shadow in the distance of what looked like big bird from Sesame Street appeared and just as quickly disappeared, Lee was on edge. 'Who goes there!?' Lee shouts, no reply was given. Lee repeats, this time met with a snarl and a gargled 'IM THE TRAYSH MAN!!!' Lee was struck on the head with a garbage can, knocked out cold. Lee awoke cuffed to a chair. Coming back to reality Lee could just make out a solid green figure in the distance like some sort of green man, just to fall back unconscious. Once awaking again this time with all three attackers surrounding him, none with anything to say. A fourth member appeared in the shadows sharpening a knife. The only feature Lee could make out was his hair... frosted tips. The man showed himself, it was famed professional ten time world champion chef Guy Fieri. What could he want from Lee. Guy stabbed Lee in the stomach, of course the knife bent on collision, Guy was impressed clearly recognised by his remark 'That's money'. Lee knew Guy was a well-known Nazi informant so this torture fest had to turn tides real quick. Lee squeezed his legs real good to cause his trusty hidden sidearm to discharge acid onto Guys face permanently blinding him. With a quick flex of his chiseled body Lee broke free from his bondage. These guys were amateurs this couldn't have been a hit on Lee's head. Lee began beating the Nazi whereabouts out of Guy while the three of the gang ran like away like rats. Guy couldn't take his frosted tips being man handled so of course, he gave up the location in no time. Flavour Town USA was Lee's next stop.
Lee was going 70 in a 30 zone, straight thuggin' it out. He had the swastika branded baseball field in his sights. Lee with his silenced acid water pistol infiltrated the Nazi filled stadium. Taking out the guards without question Lee was ready to get rid of the scum of the earth. Lee made his way through the locker room when he heard a commotion, he quickly slipped into one of the lockers. A squad of nazis just finished a game of baseball 'why'd these nazis gotta ruin true American sports?!' mumbled Lee. Lee could hear faint chatter but one voice was very familiar. Kanye West was king nazi. There was always something up with that boy. Only two people could help with such scum, Wayne and Garth. Within minutes a crash could be heard outside in the field. It was Wayne and Garth in their 1967 AMC Pacer crashed into the ground like a meteor. Both burst out the car shouting 'schwing!' causing the surrounding nazis heads to explode from the sheer sexual prowess. The camera zooms in on Wayne and Garth in the Wayne's world fashion. Wayne and Garth shout 'PARTY ON'. [Fight For Your Right by Beastie Boys] Wayne, Garth and Lee proceed to kick righteous ass throughout the duration of the song, until Kanye interrupts with the record scratch (that one, you know it...right?). 'I'ma let you finish, but you better got yo' crank ass outta' here a'ight' Lee respects Kanye's loyalty to kicking ass but Lee must take down this egotistical maniac. With Wayne and Garth winded by the fight Lee must take down this ego fuelled, black, rap nazi. Lee sprints to Kanye, yelling and punching at the air, Kanye can deal with this destructive powerhouse of a man. Lee comes to a sudden stop right next to Kanye, he whispers into his ear 'you're music is shit'. Kanye drops down dead from this atomic truth bomb that could not be denied. Wayne and Garth got back into their car without a word and flew off into the sunset while that song at the end of Grease plays. A single tear of respect rolled down Lee's face 'Party on Wayne, party on Garth'.
Lee had finished his quest, there was nothing left. He was done. 'What the fuck was that?!' Lee said worriedly. 'Hey stop that. Who are you?' Lee demanded. Lee tore through the fabric of reality only to find a man in the middle of a white room holding only a microphone and a TV on a table. Lee tackled the man, confused as to why he was describing all he was doing. Lee distraught as to why this was happening to him demanded answers. The man complied, he told Lee his name was Matt Berry. He was Lee's narrator. Lee would not allow this to happen his life was his own. Lee was his own man he did not need a fantastic manly voice to narrate him. Lee flexed a might flex and burst his shirt off his chest, his muscles grew twice the size. Matt Berry was not phased. Lee spun on one foot Van Damme style he flung his sweet round house kick into Mat..................... [static] [ A Real Hero by College & Electric Youth ]
Lee, Master of the Common Man
[Cats In The Cradle by Harry Chapin is playing throughout the first scene] Lee awakens. He is being cradled in the arms of a man. Lee rotates his head with a large creak to see who has him close to their bosom. "Bruce?" Lee said with a tear in his eye. "Yes son?" He replied. Lee was in shock after killing the man who narrated his life, so this could very well be a dream. Oh, but it was all so far from a dream. Lee had been resurrected, as his father Bruce was. They were eternal, always there, always watching. Bruce explained how Lee came to life. He was a star child, a being of the cosmos. Lee's true name was Ziggy Stardust (Bruce thought it would be funny to give Lee a persona that only David Bowie would understand). Bruce gave Lee the go ahead to descend from the stars when he was a wee baby with a cover story tied tightly around his neck. He dropped on the door step of his to-be mentor and father figure, Gary Oldman.
Bruce gave Lee a mission to infiltrate Area 51 and find evidence of the super weapon that is being researched to destroy good music... forever. Lee shot down to Earth with the finesse of an Olympic diver with down syndrome. Boomstick on his back and anger in his mind Lee landed in LA, a few hundred miles off course from Nevada. Lee had to find a way to get there without arousing suspicion. Lee scoured the streets looking for a friendly face. "Oh look, if it isn't the former Californian governor himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger" He said non-pluggishly. "Yah eet is me Ahhnorld what ees it you need?" Arnold roared. Lee explained to him that he was in dire need of transport. Arnold fully understood and shouted "Let us get to the CHOPPA! NAUW". Lee confused at first followed Arnold to the roof of a nearby building. To see that every building in the entire city had a helicopter on top for just such an occasion that Arnold would need to help a citizen of the state of California. Arnold jumped in the driver seat and commanded Lee to get on the gunner side Once near Area 51 Arnold prepared Lee for his parachute into the complex. "Thees is my staap, little one have to go alone, good lahk!". Lee dove out the chopper and pulled his chute. Is was smooth sailing until the missiles came flying towards him. Dodging and swooping would only work for so long. Lee was struck by a missile. Lee spun to the ground and burst into flames. All seemed lost.
Lee raised out of the fire like a Phoenix. [X gon' give it to ya' by DMX begins to play] Lee's veins began to fill with flames becoming visibly glowing like a god damn BAMF. Lee burst through the fence of the complex, while flames were left behind in his wake. Lee smashed heads, burst chests and ate hearts. Lee was fuelled by unadulterated rage and he was not about to stop. Concentrated heat spewed from Lee's eyes allowing him to melt steel beams and allow him entrance to the building holding all of Americas secrets. Lee was not confronted with any resistance, "It's quiet, too quiet" he whispered. Lee wandered the corridors looking for what he needed. After coming across two headed monkeys, Gary Busey clones and footage of Kanye West being a genuinely nice guy. Lee could hear a muffled sound. It left a bad taste in his mouth and he could hear that noise, you know the one, it kinda sounds like the static sound a TV makes. Lee followed the sound to a giant door, above it read top secret, this was the place. Lee smashed on the door. With each punch the music got louder and lyrics could be understood. "Somebody... Sharpest tool..." Lee gave the final blow. "IN THE SHAPE OF AN 'L' ON HER FOREHEAD!" Lee screamed at the top of his lungs. It was Smash Mouth Guy this was the secret weapon that would destroy music for all eternity. Smash Mouth ran for the hills. Lee could not stop him, his music stunned Lee like glazed ham would. What had Lee done he had released a plague on this world that cannot be reversed.
Lee ventured out to find Smash Mouth, it was simple, follow the mass amount of dead bodies with the sides of the heads blown out. Lee finally found him walking on top of cars sing his heart out, if only it was literally. Lee rambled on about stopping Smash Mouths conquest of death. Smash Mouth only laughed and continued singing this time it was Walking On The Sun. Lee was enraged "I'll show you walking on the sun". Lee began to grow in size far bigger than you could imagine a mortal man could be. Lee was ascending to a higher state of thought and physical form. [My God is the Sun by Queens of the Stone Age plays] Lee began to float into the sky, changing form. Into a star. Smash Mouth was gob smacked. Lee shot a beam of light into his mouth. Smash Mouth began to light up, he began to crack and spout flames from every orifice until he finally exploded. Lee was truly an All Star. Lee dropped to the ground almost out of energy. The people of the city crawled out of the ruins and removed their earplugs. They all chanted Lee's name in respect. Lee stood up proud and shouted "MY NAME IS NOT LEE... I AM ZIGGY STARDUST!" The crowd burst into laughter at the sheer autism that radiated from Lee. David Bowie rose from the crowd saying "Hey man, I thought you were pretty jammin' today. I think I'll make a song about you". Lee was red faced and giggled like a little Asian school girl. He shot off into space, smashing through the moon causing it to fall and crush all on Earth who were below it. Lee looks to the camera and smiles with a sparkle in his teeth. [cut to credits. Play Ziggy Stardust by David Bowie]
Lee and the awful attempt to create a title
Lee was resting, recovering energy on Mercury. Sitting Indian style, levitating with no sound or interruption. A faint sound could be heard in the back of Lee's mind, it was the screaming and moaning of the tortured souls that had fallen in the wake of destruction that curses Lee and those around him. Lee shot into space screaming and shouting, grabbing onto his head wanting it all to stop. Lee crash landed on Earth, only to discover it was a much softer landing than before. Lee landed in water only to discover that's all he could have landed on. Earth had transformed into a... Water world, much like the tragically bad reviewed movie Waterworld with Kevin Costner. Lee could faintly hear the sound of an engine. Before he could see what it was Lee was struck over the head by the belly of a boat. Sinking down into the darkness Lee heard the muffled voice of Kevin Costner in his replica outfit and boat, "Jackass, didn't even move!" Lee sunk like a sack of bricks to the bed of the ocean where he lay for months.
Lee awoke to the sound of a heart monitor beeping steadily. His eyes gently opened. "Make a wish, brother". Who other than John Cena and Stone Cold Steve Austin were sat next to Lee's hospital bed. "W-what are you guys doing here th-this is great!" Lee whimpered. Stone Cold sat up and caught a beer thrown from across the room and said"Well Lee, as soon we heard you were in a coma we had to get right over here for a publicity stu-to make sure you made it through". "Gee guys that's sure swell of you to do that" Lee said with the remaining breath he had in him before falling asleep.
Lee came to in a small cabin where he lay in the arms of the man who raised him, Gary Oldman. "G-Gaz?" Lee whimpered. Gary dropped Lee while berating him to never call him Gaz "Now, do you want hot chocolate or not?". Lee chuckled, coughing up blood onto his chest. "Gary... I'm dying, aren't I?". Gary stopping stirring the hot chocolate, he stared down into the cup for moment, motionless, he then turned round, a single tear glistening from the light rolled down his face and he nodded. Balling his eyes out Lee got out a few words. " I don't want to go" [The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel] Lee woke in the morning to discover that Gary was gone, taken by force as is evident by the broken window, blood trailing in through said window, a note written on the wall in blood and a dead homeless man drained his nectar. The note read "sorry for the mess. By the way we took the old geezer. Yours sincerely Adam and Kevin." Who were the mysterious duo, it's like they can't be separated. After all Lee has gone through, this is the darkest time of his life, dying of an unknown disease was the least of his problems. [Montage Music(not the shitty quick scope kind)] Lee got prepared for his final moments of life. A bandana to cover his sickly bald head, a sawed-off double barrel for the coolness factor raised to 11 and a black leather jacket. Lee got on his Harley and rode off into the sunset on a mission to retrieve the only human he cared about, other than Ryan Gosling of course, who Lee made a close connection to after the Smash Mouth End of the World Concert incident.
Lee had tracked down Gary to an old cinema in New York... In the ghetto. Lee had become accustomed to the blacks but they did not feel the same. Lee got off his Harley and within seconds it was gone. The rest of the adventure had to be on foot. "Hello my fellow bruddas from anudda mudda, how is life without education and hygiene" Lee shouted to a crowd of respectful members of the black community. Lee was shot in the gut in an instant, dropping to the ground Lee pulled his bandana off and pulled the cancer free pass card. "Stop I have cancer" He hissed through his teeth. The members of the negro community scattered and disappeared into dumpsters, crack dens and even into barrels of fire. All because the cancer trap card trumps the race card in the game of life.
Lee stumbled into the old abandoned cinema clutching his wound, keeping the remaining blood in his horrible damaged body. Looking around, Lee finally realised who he was dealing with. Movie posters. Chuck and Larry, Grown Ups, Pixels, Grown Ups 2. "Jesus Christ" Lee mumbled under his breath. And at that moment Lee realised it was much more than physical strength he needed. It was emotional integrity and patience. Lee sighed, jumped up and down shaking his arms in preparation of the horrors to come. On the last jump the floor gave way into a secret path way. Lee followed with nowhere else to go. A flickering light could be seen at the end, a projector. It was an extra screen hidden away for "special" audiences. Gary was sat in the middle row...motionless and illuminated by the projector. Lee jumped from row to row, chair to chair. He reached Gary, only to discover he was drained. Gary turned to Lee and said with no tone to his voice, no emotion "Lee...Paul Blart...50...times" Lee knew what to do. [Mad World by Tears for Fears] [(Record scratch) Mad World by Gary Joules] He held Gary in his arms. Pulled out his double barrel and gently placed it to Gary's head. Gary held the trigger over Lee's hand. Lee turned away, tears down his face. The gun went off. All Lee heard was a faint sound of white noise as he felt the blood splatter on the side of his head. Lee fell to his knees, weeping and weak... A booming voice came from the screen. A shadow was behind it. Lee fired the remaining shell towards it. Nothing. The shadow tore through the hole the shotgun made. The projector turned to reveal that the being at the screen was in fact a deformed giant body of two men together as one. Adam Sandler as the head and Kevin James as the whole body with the stomach replaced with his face. Lee looked around him noticing more actors, Bryan Cranston, Tom Hardy the list goes on. Adam and Kevin in unison scream "WE MUST BECOME THE ULTIMATE ACTOR!!!." Lee could not let this happen. It would destroy the world as we know it, no amount of exposure to these two men is healthy. Lee made a dash towards the Disgusting Buddy Movie Dirt Bags.(A title has been found)The two lifted their arms, stopping Lee meters before them. "WE HAD THAT GYPSIE YOU KILLED CURSE YOU WITH A VIRUS THAT ONLY EFFECTS YOUUUUU...BROOKS DIE" at that moment of utter loss of all hope, out of nowhere a toothpick straight into the eye of Kevin, killing him instantly. The distraught Adam wailed "AND WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE!?"..."[Where is my mind by Pixies] "I Drive". Adams head inexplicably explodes to the sound of Ryan Gosling...Sploosh! Ryan runs forward to catch Lee as he collapses. He places Lee on a seat.
· [Ending 1 |Lee coughing up blood, tears rolling down his face. "What do we do now, how do we fix you?!" Ryan said in a fit of desperate need to help Lee. Lee shook his head, there was no helping him now. Lee laid his head back releasing his final breath before giving up his life. Lee was gone... Or was he. The roof began to break away, allowing sun to shine through onto Lee's face. Lee's eyes shot open and he set alight. Wings of fire spewed out from his back. He laughed out of the hole in the roof, shooting out flames behind him, combusting all below him, even unfortunate Ryan. Lee was alive and kicking. He shot off into the sky. And into a jet engine. Mulching and spinning him around, turing him into red mist, raining down on those who he had once protected and now he's gone in an instant. [You Spin Me Right Round by Dead or Alive]]
· [Ending 2 |Lee barely clinging on to life asks for one last wish to be fulfilled..."Ryan. Take this double barrel. Shove it in... (Lee wretches in pain) my mouth. And pull the trigger." Ryan complies, he returns a toothpick to his mouth and begins. He places the barrels in between Lee's teeth. And pulls the trigger... Nothing. "It wasn't even loaded you fucker. You were going to do it. FUCK YOU!" Lee passes away with his final words being complete and utter abuse. The way it should be. [Carry On My Wayward Son by Kansas]]
· [Ending 3 |"Ryan. Will you give me one last feeling of life?" Lee whimpered. "Of course Lee, what is it?" Lee grabbed Ryan. "kiss me". Ryan reluctantly at first, leans in closer both of their lips, interlocked in love. "What the fuck am I writing. This can't possibly be good for me.(off in the background) I'm done its over, no more. That's It nothing left, I'm going to jerk off or something. BETTER THAN THIS SHIT! [The Man Who Sold The World by David Bowie] (With the plot becoming so thin it could be seen through, Lee's epic adventure must come to an end. Good riddance sweet prince, rust in peace.)]
The Soiled Legacy of Lee Beesman
This is a work of fiction. All characters in this novel are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. In other words This is not a real person...this is just a story...people like this can't exist...they just can't. Now as you all should know by now these stories are completely made with the intent to give you blue balls and wanting more just so you can get off and finally climax, but I take it away from you and step on your gonads so you can scamper away thinking about the disgrace your family sees you as while you weep and indulge in chocolate stars until you fall into a comatose state. Never fear you will be cock teased no more. As you may remember the mess of a conclusion from before. It was a bit confusing, right. I know, I know calm down. It will all be explained soon enough. Now go! Let the legend come back to life! Lee awoke in a hospital bed. Stone Cold and Cena were sat to the side. Lee with the look of bewilderment on his face. Stammering and shaking Lee arose from the bed. Mumbling out for Gary Oldman. He was informed that he was fine and not in danger. Lee's been in a coma for nine years, fabricating his existence in a dream while out of action.
Without Lee to look over the planet, Earth has not only been perfectly fine. It has actually become a much more successful and thriving environment to exist in. North Korea is now a floating rock in space sent towards the general direction of the sun. The population of Texas was sent to ISIS headquarters, which led to the rest of the Middle East becoming US soil after the annihilation of all living organisms in close proximity. China took control of their over population problem by introducing a new plague, unfortunately it worked to well. The only survivor was the strongest China had to offer...Jackie Chan. Hitler was resurrected and swiftly destroyed because that's a horribly stupid thing to include in any type of plot, I mean come on, really. With Lee back in action and uprising that had been in preparation since he fell under comatose. Lee would have to be put in a super prison on the moon or even better... Dead.
Stone Cold and Cena stood up, flowers and their cases dropped to the floor seemingly in slow motion. Lee looked up only to see lever-action shotguns had been stored in the flowers. Lee squirmed off the bed, yanking out tubes and syringes, bursting veins and squirting all sorts of liquids over the floor. He kicked the bed over to use as cover, it obviously wasn't very useful as they were using shotguns but let's give Lee a pass on this excellent plan. One bright idea after another, Lee pulled out his catheter and tossed the piss bag straight towards the muscle monsters. Cena shot the bag in mid air causing Lee's caustic piss to splash over his head, melting it in seconds. The shooting had stopped, was Lee in the clear. He peeked his head over the bed. John Cena spread out on the ground, waving his open hand over his exposed and disintegrating skull mumbling 'You can't see me'. Stone Cold was nowhere to be seen. Lee managed to stand up, wiggling his toes to get sensation back. Lee collapsed back to the ground and whispered to himself 'Just like old times, huh'. The struggles of getting up reminded Lee of the time he got black out drunk on mouthwash from his mums toiletry bag. He mustered the strength to prop himself up on a wheelchair nearby. Lee rolled his way out of the ward and toward the front desk. Nobody was present, the place was barren. Everyone seemed to have left in a rush leaving behind the brain dead, useless and quite frankly all ready dead, coma patients. Lee rolled his war torn body out the front door. Looking left and right... Nothing. Where could everyone be.
Lee rolled for hours and hours, until one mement where he cought a glimpse of a rocket ship off in the distance. Lee shot off his wheelchair as to not seem like he's falsely claiming disabled benefits again. He ran as fast as he could, sweat driping from every pore. Finally the 20 metres were over Lee was at the rocket. Waving his hands rapidly to get someones attention. Someone in an atronauts suit spotted Lee, a few seconds went by as the man tried to figure out who this mysterious figure was in a hospital gown worn as a cape(Yes that means his peen can be seen). Stone Cold pushed the astronaut into the rocket and gave Lee a look of pure evil. He slammed his fist down on a suspicious looking button. The cockpit door began to close and the engines began to rumble and shake. Lee had to think fast as always. He burst into a sprint, leaping onto the rocket and grabbing on with his mighty gnashers. Lee made his way up the ship, bite by bite. The rocket shook harder and faster, Lee struggled to hold on, but he must continue his non existant mission. The rocket began lift off. Lee held on with all his might, the sheer speed almost took his skin off. Once outside the atmosthere Lee could continue his traversion of the ship. Suddenly a hatch burst open, revealing Stone Cold in a space suit. Lee pounced towards him. Knocking him off into space, but Stone Cold was to smart for Lee standard procedure dictates that Stone Cold must not leave the ship in space unless he's tethered. Lee was bamboozled. Still holding his breath and organs inside his body Lee made a final attempt at Stone Colds life, he pounced once again... Missing. Or did he?! Lee flew past, grabbing on to his opponents arm spinging him around so he could reach Stone Colds tether and conviniently his source of oxygen. Lee slashed through it with his teeth making for the perfect plan executed perfectly, thats a first. Lee looking back to Stone Cold with his oxygen source in Lee's mouth. Stone Cold, gasping for air, mimicked the word 'How?', and in that moment his eyes burst out of his head and his helmet exploded, shooting his face clean off. Lee of course caught it to use as a disguise. Lee scrambled into the ship, slamming the ships hatch after him. With his newley donned face he could fool whoever may be inside. Lee stepped through the cockpit, a beer can launched towards Lee's face. Colliding with his head, the beer can knocked Lee to the ground along with his disguise. Lee scrambled to the ground looking for his face. The crewmembers shouted through asking if everything was ok, Lee shouted back 'Too right brother' with a bit of a croak in his voice. Lee had succesfuly juked the crew into thinking he was Stone Cold. Lee splapped the face back onto his, there was a bit of excess blood left from the face shooting off its owner but no matter. Lee suited up in a space suit and took the chance off trying to float past the crew members, big mistake. The first look one of them gave Lee, erupted with fear and the sudden urge to scream. Apparently having a human face strapped to your face wasn't very advantageus, who would have thought. Lee whiped the discarded face around causing blood to get splattered all around the capsule, blinding all who stared at this crime against humanity. Once everyone was stunned, Lee leaped towards the crew swinging his arms furiously hoping they would get hit. Instead, Lee bagan destroying the controls to the life support, not to worry, Lee has the iron lungs of a golden god. The other inhabitants of the ship would not be so lucky, as their heads began to expand, their eyes shooting from their skulls, bowels squirming out of the nearest orifice, Lee pondered... Where was he going? Lee peered out the window, he could see North Korea aimlessly floating past it must have been caught in another planets gravity and has been slingshot back to orbit Earth, the country that never ceases to live on although all odds were against them. Lee crossed over to look out the other window, the moon was his destination. Lee sat down, raised his legs to a 45 degree angle for maximum comfort, now it was time to RE-LAX.
Lee awoke (Yes again with awaking) to claksons and fire, he had not only survived, but slept through the crash landing. Lee disembarked the downed shuttle only to be surrounded by the moon base's inhabitants. Lee's eys darted around looking for an escape route, there were none, he had been tightly sealed in like proccesed meat. The commander of the moon base barged his way through his guards and let out a booming shout 'LEE'. Lee let out a gasp and whimpered 'Vlad?' [Back In The U.S.S.R. By The Beatles]
submitted by RoryTheAutist to LeeBrooksFandom

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